Edward Elric and the Seven Sues
by Formaldehyde Princess
Summary: The Challenge was 'Write a Princess Story', and I give you Crack-ified Snow White. This IS a Crackfic, and is rated for language.


OH HEYO

PERSONAL SHIT AND UPDATES ON ME COMIN YOUR WAY

YOU CAN SKIPS THIS IF YOU WANT

…SNIFF

Your loverly Author speaking. Or, not so loverly. I've been such a terrible updater, but personal shit got in the way and I've just been having the worst summer ever. :/ (Lol as you can tell by that oneshot I wrote bitching about my brother and sister being total whores about anime all the time…I wrote that like a few months ago and posted it a few weeks ago…it did happen though. Riddled with angst.) But I am writing the next few chapters of Report Card (English, Chinese, and History…which is turning out to be rather fun to write XP)

ANYWAY

This is a response to theretard5892 (Mird, who seems to be quite a nice person who I talked to on DeviantArt for a bit (My Username's 0oAliceo0) and then just stopped writing to XD If you're reading this, Mird, I apologize but I just didn't know how to respond to your story about a decoy Deer getting shot XD Sorry love :D) and Muten Azuki's Forum here: .net/forum/Fully_Combustive_Material_For_the_Fanfic_Author/65591/ And the Challenge was to write a princess story. So, YEAHR. Thar ya go. Snow White. Have Fun.

Once upon a time,

Or rather,

Like 18 times upon one time,

Or rather,

Like 18 times upon 18 separate individual (but still consecutive), different instances,

Or rather,

Like-a-fucking-long-time-ago-for-christ's-sake-this-is-getting-old,

Johanna's Mum came home from Night School to beat her with a rotting Mackerel for using the Lord's name in Vain.

I MEAN

There was an Ed who lived in the land known only as, 'The Land of Spoiler-Snape-Kills-Dumbledore'. Although this Ed was the MOST kind and GENEROUS and BE-A-YEWtiful, he had the worst of luck. And because this Author likes to desecrate canon plot points, Ed had lost his mother AND brother AND kitten AND house full of poor adorable orphans who had never had a real Christmas a long time ago in a tragic accident which he only told to his most closest of friends. Ok, no, that's bullshit. Ed told everyone that sob-story like 80 or like 90 times.

ANYWAY, Because Ed had lost his mother and brother and Kitten named Rue (1) and house full of adorable orphans who had never had a real Christmas, he was forced to go live with his only other living guardian- because having a dad who cares for you is overrated in Disney AND anime- his EVIL stepmother- who also happened to be the QUEEN of all Spoiler-Snape-Kills-Dumbledore- Queen ROY MUSTANG.

(The Author would like to note that outside of her fort made of books outside of her room outside of her house there was a very ominous clap of thunder and a lightning strike brighter than Edward Cullen's Sequined underwear. This was a little alarming, not because it was the middle of the day and there hadn't been rainclouds for miles, but because oh God, did she really just imagine Edward Cullen in bedazzled briefs? Had she gone mad? After a few moments of fetal position and the standard cry of 'CANNOT UNSEEEE!' The Author resumed writing.)

Queen Roy Mustang was THE MOST evil and totally generic villain there ever was. He made Ed do all of the cleaning and plot developing, and he never helped when Ed had to get rid of the adorable but disease ridden woodland animals that sometimes helped with the housework.

So of course, there was a lot of angsting and sadness and general depression on Ed's part. He listened to a lot of Nickelback, and wrote many Fics like 'wut if Sasuke tried to comit suicide & Naruto came to sav e him, songfic based on Evanescene my immortal, sasunaru, (yaoi) dont liek dont read, plz rate & review thx ^_^' And there was much flaming indeed.

One day Roy got fed up with this 'make up plot as the author goes along' shit and was feeling a little self conscious about himself. I mean, Ed WAS the most gorgeous guy (He _thought_ guy…that long blonde hair and lack of puberty made it hard to tell) in all the land, and I mean come on, the guy (?) had a GREAT back story. And, might the Author mention, the emo factor attracted fangirls to him like Twilight-tards to Edward Cullen in a pair of bedazzled-

(…)

So Roy went to his all seeing two cent whore named Mirror, who, as you can assume from the phrase 'all seeing', knew all. No, I'm sorry, that's totally bullshit too, it's just that Roy held Mirror's opinion above everyone else he knew for reasons that will not be disclosed in this story.

AND THE BLACK HOLE OF PLOT HOLES GROWS THICKER!

Storming into Mirror's home after getting there by means ALSO not disclosed in this story (GROOOOWWWSSS), he growled angrily to the girl, "Mirror, I need your opinion on something!"

Mirror, who had been writing a review on Fanfiction ('omg ur story wuz sooo good! ^-^ I luv that song and Naru saving Sasuke is so kawaiiii! Squee! Sasunaru 4evur!), sighed heavily and turned to the Queen in a setting that was never described, "Roy, I've told you, it's normal size! If you want, we can measure it agai-"

"NO! No, that's not, um, no, no that's not it, Mirror, no," Roy stuttered, face turning a bit red. She clicked her nails against the wooden table.

"Then what the hell do you want, bursting into my…" Mirror looked up, and whispered in a stage voice, "Apartment? House? Dumpster? Where the hell do I live, you setting-lacking excuse for a writer?" The Author frowned, a little upset by being name-called by a 2 cent whore, and said, "Er, ah…Walmart?" (The Author regrets that this is the first thing that came to her mind.) Mirror turned back to Roy, who had been busy practicing his jerkery offscreen.

"What the hell are you doing then, bursting into my…Walmart," Mirror finished lamely, glaring at the ceiling.

"It's Ed!" Roy cried, pacing. "He's out of control! I think he might be…"

"Gay for the doorman?" Mirror guessed. Roy stared at her thoughtfully, and then shook his head. "No! That's not it…but…" he frowned, thinking of the odd way the doorman _did_ seem to look at Ed, and then shook his head some more. "No that's not it. I was going to say I think he's…prettier than me."

Mirror stared at him after a long, awkward pause, and then said, "Yeah, so? Didn't dove commercials teach you that inner beauty is more important?"

The Queen glared his mightiest glare of daggers at the prostitute.

"Look, for right now until the Author mans up and plans some shit out, this story is operating solely on me being a total _asshole_ for _no reason_ _all of the time_. So I suggest you play along before your screen time is cut-"

"Fine, fine, ask your damn question."

"I never told you I wanted to ask a-"

"I know _all_, for Chrissake, (Once again, total bullshit) So just ask it."

The Queen awkwardly shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and said like a preteen in puberty, "Mirror, who's the prettiest girl of all Spoiler-Snape-Kills-Dumbledore?"

"Oh Ed all the way, of course. You're much too old to be loved."

"WHA-"

"NOW GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! I MEAN APARTMENT! I MEAN WALMART! GAH!" Mirror yelled angrily.

"But-"

And then, the scene turned rather gory, because after Roy refused to leave, the Walmart Greeters became Walmart BEATERS and there was much flaming indeed.

So after the scenes of censored gratuitous violence, Roy Mustang the Queen returned home to his unnecessarily large castle to greet an Ed setting a trap for a Deer who had earlier today come in to vacuum, but ended up mauling a few people and stealing the money off of Roy's dresser. He was planning on blogging about it on his Livejournal later when Roy turned up.

"Ed, you short little turd! Why don't you have a dinner prepared for me?" He boomed ferociously.

"Well, there was a deer, and-"

"Oh, I don't want to hear about your Bambi related excuses! I didn't even cry when Bambi's mother died in the movie!"

"You're a monster," Ed whispered, horrified.

"Whatever! Shut up! Go make dinner! Do not riddle the casserole with angst this time, I will not have another meal spoiled by the bitter taste of broken dreams! And tomorrow you're going into the woods with Hughes to go…do…something!"

Hughes was the Royal huntsman. He was also fricking annoying. However, Ed did not dare disobey Roy, because…you know what? I don't know why. The reason why Ed STILL wanted to be a state alchemist and have Roy boss him around in the anime, even though the only resources the title provided him with BURNED DOWN in episode 18 and the title handicaps him in basically every other situation because of the population's hate for it, escapes me.

Sorry.

**The next day!**

"…and that's how babies are made, Edward," Hughes said somberly. Ed was staring at Hughes with horrified eyes while they walked through the completely not suspicious dark and terrifying woods where evil lurked in every shadow waiting to devour their soul.

"They don't come from drops of goodness planted into a field of flowers and picked by angels who deliver it to your door like Mom told me?" Ed said, amazed but revolted.

"What? No, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Listen Ed, the real reason Roy wanted me to take you out here into this-" He looked around at the terrible woods, "-…charming place is that he wanted me to kill you so he could be the prettiest guy in all the land…or whatever." Ed stared at him.

"That's ridiculous, Stepmother would never-"

"Ed, he burns pictures of you while you sleep. Honestly, The fact that you could be so oblivious to the Queen's BLATANT HATE for EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING almost makes me want to NOT secretly spare your life and ACTUALLY kill you."

Ed looked at him for a moment, and then said, "But Stepmother LOVES my fibers!"

"I am so going to kill you."

**AND THEN**

Hughes was dead.

No, really.

"What the HELL was that?" Ed yelled, looking around frantically as a faint 'Mmmm, whatcha saaaayyyy" could be heard in the background and Hughes fell to the ground with a pink axe in his back that smelled faintly of Juicy perfume.

"WE got 'em girls!" said a squeaky voice within the trees.

"No one hurts our Edo-Kun!" another voice squealed. Ed was starting to get seriously fucking creeped out, when a girl, and another girl, and another girl, and another, climbed out of the dark to greet the short blonde. In all? Seven girls.

"Who… Where the HELL did you come from? How do you know my name?"

The girl in the middle stepped forwards, smiling. "We are the Seven Sues, and we've come to save and protect you Edward Elric, our designated Bishie!"

(1)All you Hunger Games Guys and Girls. (THRISE ALLITERATION WIN! 'ALLITERATION WIN' = +5000 ASSONANCE POINTS! LEVEL UP!)

Stay tuned for Chapter 2! Wherein there is a FLASHBACK (Like everyone and their dog didn't see that coming) and VIOLENCE and GOD I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I JUST MAKE THIS STUFF UP AS I GO ALONG WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM ANYWAY

STEPHEN KING

JACKLYN MORIARITY

WHUT

Awesome people (And their dogs apparently) Review!


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